Getting Over Feeling Like a Failure in Your Breakup

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow. I know that when a relationship ends, we can sometimes feel like we failed. We failed to keep the relationship vital; failed to live up to the ideal of a perfect partnership; failed to be enough, work hard enough or provide enough to hold the relationship together.

For some, this can be more damaging than failing at say, a business venture.  Announcing to the world, “We split” may feel like saying “I’m a failure and I’m not good enough for a real relationship.”

Yet you can heal from the pain of feeling like a failure. This feeling can readily dissipate when you learn and accept these things:

• You are a human being having human experiences. Breakups are practically a universal experience. Do you know anyone who has NOT experienced a difficult breakup at some time?

• Life is all about changing, growing, and evolving.  A breakup is one of those changes.

• As you change, your experiences change and your relationships change as a result.

• When relationships feel good, that is the right experience for you at that time in your life.

• When relationships begin to feel bad, heavy or difficult, it means it is no longer the best situation for you at that time.

The ultimate lesson:

When a relationship ends it’s because the two individuals no longer are a match to each other as they once were. Doesn’t that feel like nature, life, God or the Universe (insert your favorite term) doing its best work?

The best relationship is a cycle, not a success or failure: we met, we matched, we grew, we changed, evolved, lived and learned. Then we were no longer a match in those aspects of life that make relationships work.

Only by moving on can you make the space for a better life.

  

– Peter Winslow

Getting Over A Breakup

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow. If you have recently been through a tough breakup, there are probably plenty of good reasons for it beyond the obvious (we fought all the time, we grew apart, etc.)  And when you finally realize that your relationship really needed to end, you can more easily let go of the heartache and misgivings that followed.

One of my recent life coaching clients related that when her long-term relationship ended, it took time for her to see how that was the best thing that could have happened. She didn’t know it then; at the time it felt like a ton of unnecessary pain and regret. Yet as the days passed she learned a lot from the experience, much of which helped her find meaning in her life, and one of her discoveries can help you do the same.

The basic lesson is this: the end of a primary relationship heralds your highest and best interest at that time. Ultimately, this means that whether you like it or not, the breakup was actually a blessing. It probably didn’t feel like a blessing, but in time it will.

You can now move onto sacred ground and discover how to capitalize on the “blessings in disguise” that come with the hard knocks of life, and that will lead you to important breakthroughs. You will grow in ways that other life lessons simply cannot afford you.

Begin with this towering lesson of spiritual significance: each trial and tribulation, every life lesson and labor we've endured, for better or worse, all point to our true purpose. This includes every fruitless or failed relationship you’ve had, and in a very big way. If this solemn truth is hard for you to swallow, then you haven't been paying attention to what is really important—and it’s time to change that.

–Peter Winslow

Breaking Up

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow, and the subject of my last entry was breaking up with a significant other. In that post we saw that our break-ups can signify a new beginning and lead to a stronger and clearer relationship with the most important person in your life—you.

To focus on the bright side of any breakup, use these helpful tips:

- Clean and organize your personal space

This helps you feel refreshed and prepared for new things to come. A messy environment can be stifling and depressing, and can increase mental stress. Keep yourself moving by organizing your space, which will enable you to focus and keep you from recycling past pain. As simple as this sounds, it really does help you feel better about things.

- Remove memory triggers

We are surrounded by "triggers" that can push our buttons without us even knowing it. As you clean and organize your space, be sure to remove everything that may possibly trigger a headache or heartache. If you have keepsakes which remind you of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping them, but put them away for later when you've had enough time to release the negative or painful feelings.

- Hold a symbolic ceremony

As you clean out your personal space, gather everything that reminds you of your last relationship and have a ceremony of closure. You can throw away the items, burn them (safely, please) or donate them to a deserving charity. As you do, give a eulogy to the relationship and express it out loud. You'll soon find that as you clear your space of things from the past, you create brand new space to receive what you truly want and deserve.

 –Peter Winslow