Getting Over Feeling Like a Failure in Your Breakup

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow. I know that when a relationship ends, we can sometimes feel like we failed. We failed to keep the relationship vital; failed to live up to the ideal of a perfect partnership; failed to be enough, work hard enough or provide enough to hold the relationship together.

For some, this can be more damaging than failing at say, a business venture.  Announcing to the world, “We split” may feel like saying “I’m a failure and I’m not good enough for a real relationship.”

Yet you can heal from the pain of feeling like a failure. This feeling can readily dissipate when you learn and accept these things:

• You are a human being having human experiences. Breakups are practically a universal experience. Do you know anyone who has NOT experienced a difficult breakup at some time?

• Life is all about changing, growing, and evolving.  A breakup is one of those changes.

• As you change, your experiences change and your relationships change as a result.

• When relationships feel good, that is the right experience for you at that time in your life.

• When relationships begin to feel bad, heavy or difficult, it means it is no longer the best situation for you at that time.

The ultimate lesson:

When a relationship ends it’s because the two individuals no longer are a match to each other as they once were. Doesn’t that feel like nature, life, God or the Universe (insert your favorite term) doing its best work?

The best relationship is a cycle, not a success or failure: we met, we matched, we grew, we changed, evolved, lived and learned. Then we were no longer a match in those aspects of life that make relationships work.

Only by moving on can you make the space for a better life.

  

– Peter Winslow

Breaking Up

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow, and the subject of my last entry was breaking up with a significant other. In that post we saw that our break-ups can signify a new beginning and lead to a stronger and clearer relationship with the most important person in your life—you.

To focus on the bright side of any breakup, use these helpful tips:

- Clean and organize your personal space

This helps you feel refreshed and prepared for new things to come. A messy environment can be stifling and depressing, and can increase mental stress. Keep yourself moving by organizing your space, which will enable you to focus and keep you from recycling past pain. As simple as this sounds, it really does help you feel better about things.

- Remove memory triggers

We are surrounded by "triggers" that can push our buttons without us even knowing it. As you clean and organize your space, be sure to remove everything that may possibly trigger a headache or heartache. If you have keepsakes which remind you of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping them, but put them away for later when you've had enough time to release the negative or painful feelings.

- Hold a symbolic ceremony

As you clean out your personal space, gather everything that reminds you of your last relationship and have a ceremony of closure. You can throw away the items, burn them (safely, please) or donate them to a deserving charity. As you do, give a eulogy to the relationship and express it out loud. You'll soon find that as you clear your space of things from the past, you create brand new space to receive what you truly want and deserve.

 –Peter Winslow