Getting Over Feeling Like a Failure in Your Breakup

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow. I know that when a relationship ends, we can sometimes feel like we failed. We failed to keep the relationship vital; failed to live up to the ideal of a perfect partnership; failed to be enough, work hard enough or provide enough to hold the relationship together.

For some, this can be more damaging than failing at say, a business venture.  Announcing to the world, “We split” may feel like saying “I’m a failure and I’m not good enough for a real relationship.”

Yet you can heal from the pain of feeling like a failure. This feeling can readily dissipate when you learn and accept these things:

• You are a human being having human experiences. Breakups are practically a universal experience. Do you know anyone who has NOT experienced a difficult breakup at some time?

• Life is all about changing, growing, and evolving.  A breakup is one of those changes.

• As you change, your experiences change and your relationships change as a result.

• When relationships feel good, that is the right experience for you at that time in your life.

• When relationships begin to feel bad, heavy or difficult, it means it is no longer the best situation for you at that time.

The ultimate lesson:

When a relationship ends it’s because the two individuals no longer are a match to each other as they once were. Doesn’t that feel like nature, life, God or the Universe (insert your favorite term) doing its best work?

The best relationship is a cycle, not a success or failure: we met, we matched, we grew, we changed, evolved, lived and learned. Then we were no longer a match in those aspects of life that make relationships work.

Only by moving on can you make the space for a better life.

  

– Peter Winslow

Getting Over A Breakup

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow. If you have recently been through a tough breakup, there are probably plenty of good reasons for it beyond the obvious (we fought all the time, we grew apart, etc.)  And when you finally realize that your relationship really needed to end, you can more easily let go of the heartache and misgivings that followed.

One of my recent life coaching clients related that when her long-term relationship ended, it took time for her to see how that was the best thing that could have happened. She didn’t know it then; at the time it felt like a ton of unnecessary pain and regret. Yet as the days passed she learned a lot from the experience, much of which helped her find meaning in her life, and one of her discoveries can help you do the same.

The basic lesson is this: the end of a primary relationship heralds your highest and best interest at that time. Ultimately, this means that whether you like it or not, the breakup was actually a blessing. It probably didn’t feel like a blessing, but in time it will.

You can now move onto sacred ground and discover how to capitalize on the “blessings in disguise” that come with the hard knocks of life, and that will lead you to important breakthroughs. You will grow in ways that other life lessons simply cannot afford you.

Begin with this towering lesson of spiritual significance: each trial and tribulation, every life lesson and labor we've endured, for better or worse, all point to our true purpose. This includes every fruitless or failed relationship you’ve had, and in a very big way. If this solemn truth is hard for you to swallow, then you haven't been paying attention to what is really important—and it’s time to change that.

–Peter Winslow

Shift Happens 3

I’m life coach and success catalyst Peter Winslow. On the subject of “shift happens” we know that small shifts used wisely can bring great benefits. Now let’s make the rubber meet the road: is there something small, a humble gesture, a modest change in your activities, a slight shift in your behavior that will lead to where you’d like to be?

Maybe it’s getting out of bed 20 minutes earlier than usual. You can use that time to exercise, meditate or catch up on your reading. This small shift in behavior, taken cumulatively over a month or a year, will produce a huge outcome that can be literally life changing.

We all manifest the circumstances upon which our minds dwell. It’s a fact that what we think about, we bring about. Ask yourself this question: where is my attention most of the time? Consider this wisely and wake up to a new reality.

To live a happy, healthy, useful life, we must direct the majority of our attention toward that which we intend to experience. Your assignment is to find ways to see and feel your intention in real time, and experience it in ways large and small each and every day.

You don’t have to know how or why this works, just trust that it does and apply yourself to the process. Lay the groundwork, follow your instincts and prepare for success.

Remember that personal growth is a process, not a destination. In the garden of earthly delights, the process can be even more fun than the outcome.

 – Peter Winslow

Shift Happens 2

I’m life coach and success catalyst Peter Winslow. Last time we connected, I mentioned a favorite aphorism of mine: shift happens. It’s an amusing turn of phrase, a wondrous truth, enlightening concept, and guide to personal fulfillment.

Following are two of the hidden principles that make your small shifts into big progress. These timeless principles are ancient and mystical, and today we have the power of modern science to confirm them.

The cardinal principles behind every comparative philosophy and world religion are strikingly similar. Many higher teachings include the seven universal laws that govern the cosmos; among them, the Principle of Vibration. This ancient principle says that absolutely everything is in motion, and nothing actually rests.

Ask a modern physicist and she’ll tell you it’s true. She knows that even a seemingly inert substance like rock is teeming with activity, as the sub-atomic particles within it swirl about in perpetual motion.

Add to this the Principle of Rhythm, which says that everything must flow in and out; all things rise and fall. A “pendulum swing” manifests in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is equal with the swing to the left.

We see the Principle of Rhythm realized as the second law of motion in classical physics: for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. Or, as I like to say—shift happens.

A friend of mine once said if you’re being run out of town—get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade! Realistically and pragmatically we could say that, rather than resist the inevitable, anticipate the shifts and learn to make them work for you instead of against you.

  

–Peter Winslow

 

Shift Happens

I’m life coach and success catalyst Peter Winslow. I recently heard from a client who related this small bit of tall wisdom:

"Understanding who we are is so confusing. I learn many lessons each day and I’ve read many books about finding myself… yet I still feel lost. My heart wants to love and to give, but it can be really scary."

Sentiments like hers are messages straight from the heart. Can you relate?

It’s difficult to know “who we are” when who we think we are gets in the way. This “who we think we are” business is called ego, or the conceptual self. Its main purpose is to protect us from harm and embarrassment, and it does so by preventing change of any kind from happening in our lives.

The way to break through all that is to stop relying solely on your cognitive mind, and learn to trust your heart. This requires a small shift in your awareness.

Opportunities for small shifts loom everywhere. Some are clearly marked; others are hidden and challenging to understand. Sometimes you’re up for the challenge; sometimes you fear it. Your job is to trust that behind your emotional uncertainty is a heart of unerring wisdom. Your primary mission is to move in the direction that feels best to you. Move upward, forward or sideways, but move! Now you’re headed in a positive direction no matter where it takes you.

Next time we’ll discuss the vital principles that can make it all flow smoothly.

 –Peter Winslow

Breaking Up

I’m life coach and counselor Peter Winslow, and the subject of my last entry was breaking up with a significant other. In that post we saw that our break-ups can signify a new beginning and lead to a stronger and clearer relationship with the most important person in your life—you.

To focus on the bright side of any breakup, use these helpful tips:

- Clean and organize your personal space

This helps you feel refreshed and prepared for new things to come. A messy environment can be stifling and depressing, and can increase mental stress. Keep yourself moving by organizing your space, which will enable you to focus and keep you from recycling past pain. As simple as this sounds, it really does help you feel better about things.

- Remove memory triggers

We are surrounded by "triggers" that can push our buttons without us even knowing it. As you clean and organize your space, be sure to remove everything that may possibly trigger a headache or heartache. If you have keepsakes which remind you of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping them, but put them away for later when you've had enough time to release the negative or painful feelings.

- Hold a symbolic ceremony

As you clean out your personal space, gather everything that reminds you of your last relationship and have a ceremony of closure. You can throw away the items, burn them (safely, please) or donate them to a deserving charity. As you do, give a eulogy to the relationship and express it out loud. You'll soon find that as you clear your space of things from the past, you create brand new space to receive what you truly want and deserve.

 –Peter Winslow